S is for STRATEGIES
3 Small Talk Secret Weapons That All Introverts Can Start Using Today
I've been studying small talk since the assignment at university instructed us to go to a pub and take notes. (Yes, seriously.)
However, the following 3 strategies are constantly overlooked, yet they are some of the most effective tools in your small talk skill set.
#1 Silence
Allow time - count up to 10 in your head - for others to gather thoughts and communicate them in a coherent manner. Holding space for the speaker builds trust which leads to loyalty.
#2 Eye brow flick
The brief eyebrow flick that accompanies a greeting may only take a millisecond but it's registered by the subconscious as charismatic. It signals a familiarity and friendliness. Resist using it in the rest of the conversation unless you want to express surprise.
#3 Having a plan
Arriving with some questions up your sleeve and a plan of action gives you the edge over everyone who does not (which let's face it is everyone else in the room.)
The 'Prepped & Poised' Framework helps you prepare for any event. Coming soon. Watch this space!
K is for Knowledge
The 5 stages of small talk to clarify what's expected & help you prepare
1 Enter
Decide your goal for the situation and the appropriate demeanour to achieve that end. Stand tall and keep in mind that folk form their impression of you through what they can see and hear.
2 Ease
Put strangers at ease by smiling, engaging in eye contact & looking willing. People simply need to feel you pose no threat in order to relax.
3 Engage
Introduce yourself with both your first and last name. Shake hands or fist bump - whichever is appropriate. Ask an easy but uplifting question to kick start the conversation.
4 Explore
Explore the initial question in more depth. Keep your partner talking by listening to their answers and then 'tapping' it back using prompts: "Go on" / "tell me more" / How come?"
5 Enjoy
This is the goal. You have found a familiar topic. The conversation is flowing easily and spontaneously, and both parties feel relaxed.
L is for Listening
The best resource for developing your listening skills (therefore enhancing your charisma, relationships & leadership style)
Listening is the most underrated skill.
It's the cornerstone of charisma, leadership, and all good relationships but little time is spent on developing it. People who do so gain a clear advantage over their peers.
In 30 years of teaching communication skills, there is only one resource I recommend about listening. It's a single chapter - just 25 pages - within The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey.
Turn immediately to Habit 5: Principles of Empathic to learn how to:
· listen without not make assumptions
· how to keep someone talking
· resist being judgemental
· avoid imposing your agenda into the conversation
· build trust with the speaker
In just a few pages (pages 236-260 in my copy) you will learn the fundamental principles to become a skilled listener which will set you ahead of the game.
If you're intrigued to know more, start with this video summary.
J is for Joke
How to use a bad joke to rescue a dying conversation and save the day
You know the kind of conversation - when all the questions and comments have been exhausted and everyone starts to study their shoes?!
Enter the bad joke to the rescue! The art is in the set up. Follow these instructions to get everyone talking again, and you win points for saving them from embarrassment!
#1 Invitation When the conversation fails, ask: "Hey! Do you want to hear a bad joke?" (Everyone will say yes to avoid feeling awkward.)
#2 Set expectations low Assure them: "I promise it's a bad joke and you're all going to groan, okay?"
#3 Say the first part of the joke and pause. Look around smiling mischievously to get everyone's reaction so far.
#4 Deliver the punchline. (Everyone will groan, as anticipated, but will enjoy a collective laugh.)
#5 Conclusion Say to them: "See! I said you would groan." and smile. Then invite them: "Go on then. Tell us a better bad joke!"
And if you need a joke to start you off, my current favourite goes:
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
I told you it was bad! (Bet you groaned though?!)
I is for Introvert
Why introverts get tongue-tied in small talk and 3 strategies to overcome it
Introverts think before speaking.
That's how they process information. They hear it, digest it, and then put their reply together in their head sounding it out to ensure it's coherent, before saying it out loud to the world.
Small talk however demands a quick back and forth.
There's no time for the internal processing that introverts need to feel comfortable. Instead, they feel rushed to speak before they are ready. They open their mouth and release their half-processed thoughts into the open only to find they sound like the words of a rambling drunk.
Try these strategies to avoid sounding like this:
1. Breathe before speaking Take a deep breath to gather your thoughts, The oxygen you take in steadies the voice, making you sound calm when you open your mouth.
2. Talk in short sentences Your brain is full of ideas but allow your mouth to deliver one thought per sentence. Then breathe, gather your thoughts again before the next short sentence.
3. Deflect If you're feeling flustered, get into the habit of deflecting the question with another question. Say: "Give me a second to think about hat - what does everyone else think?" and pass it on.
C is for Charisma
If a charismatic person is alone in a locked room, are they still charismatic?
On their own, probably not. It takes 2 to tango, as they say. Charisma needs a second person to perceive the other as charismatic.
What does charisma look like?
We all know it when we see it: Dolly Parton has it, Jamie Oliver has it but singer Van Morrison famously does not.
So, what is it?
According to Professor Susan Fiske of Princeton University, charisma comprises 2 traits: warmth and competence.
· Warmth Being friendly and kind with others [To be explored in a later essay]
· Competence Doing something well
To assess your competence in the moment, ask yourself:
1. What am I here to do?
2. What do others expect from me?
3. What do I have to do to achieve 1 and 2?
4. How will I know when I have achieved 1 and 2?
Charisma looks different on each of us. Focus on being your best version of warm & competent, and not a copy of someone else.
A is for Appearance
5 details to ensure your profile picture's firing on all cylinders before people meet you in person
In 2023, first impressions are made long before you enter the room.
These days, people will probably first catch sight of you via your profile picture - Twitter, company website, index of conference attendees. Their reaction to your photo will determine how much time, energy, or money they'll invest in you, or not. Considering how this can affect your future, it's worth the effort to get the best photo possible.
Check your current profile pictures have the following details:
Eye contact Forget your sunglasses and baseball caps. People need to see your eyes to build trust. Look directly into the camera.
Smile Sit comfortably and smile like you're agreeing with someone. Squint your eyes slightly to accentuate the smile.
Fill the frame Crop the photo to show your head and shoulders. Avoid looking like a pinhead positioned in the centre of the frame.
Be well lit Shadows on the face will make you look suspicious. Take your picture in front of a window or in a well-lit spot.
Colour Stand out from the tiles of blue, grey, and black with a flash of colour. Choose a colourful background, or wearing a colourful tie or top, but not both.
TIP: If using your phone to take photos, use your corded earphones to activate the camera to save you having to reset it after each shot.
B is for breathing
The only technique you will ever need to regain calm, take back control and start making rational decisions again
Once you've read this, you'll forever be able to master your nerves.
Your brain has a surveillance system that watches over you 24 hours a day. It keeps a record of everything you do along with your emotions at the time plus data from your senses - smells, sounds, etc.
Everywhere you go, your brain scans its archive for a match.
When a positive memory is found, nothing happens. When a negative memory or no memory is found, the brain alerts your body, but it can only do it by triggering your feelings. For example, it wakes you up in the middle of the night when it hears a crash outside.
These feelings are caused by the brain sending out adrenaline in case you need to run away. This is the fight or flight response in action.
To regain control, you need replace the carbon dioxide in your body with oxygen to slow your heartbeat, lower your blood pressure and regain calm. The simplest technique to do this is:
Inhale for the count of 4 (1-2-3-4) - this brings in oxygen
Exhale for 6 (5-6-7-8-9-10) - this releases the carbon dioxide.
Repeat until you feel in control once again.